Back to life after abuse

It feels like I was somewhere in another universe for years. I am so sorry that I have been out of touch with all my supporters. A lot of things happened since I posted here last. Most important is that I am slowly coming back to life. I discover forgotten feelings and new wonders daily.

Mainly, I was out of touch because I took time to heal and reflect my inner self (read: 9 months of mental therapy). I will go into details later, in my future posts. For now, while I struggle daily, I also find happiness and peace. And, amazingly, often I spend more time feeling happy than worried and depresses.

The main lesson that I've learned so far: you will never be completely free of your abuser, in the sense that the legal battle never ends; we have to communicate about kids. and so forth. He will always find ways to subtly control you through what ever is available to him. The only thing that is under your control is how you react and respond.

Just a month ago my ex got in a rage in front of a mediator at the court house because I refused to go with his plan. Mediator had to get between us and told him that he was being inappropriate. All that time I smiled politely and kept insisting on fixed visitation schedule for kids, while ex wanted it flexible, meaning that I will have to agree to whenever he wants or doesn't want to see kids. Case is going to the judge because there was no agreement, but I look at it as my win. After all, he was not able to scare and manipulate me into another submission to his will.

Testifying in criminal court for domestic violence

For a victim of domestic violence to testify in criminal court is like to live it all over again. I've tried so hard to forget, pretend that it was a bad dream, and threw away anything that reminded me of that life. Many times I wanted to refuse to testify, just not show up in court.

Then I thought that if I don't go it will mean that he (my still husband) wins. My absence will mean that all his claims are true. According to him:

• he never hit me, all injuries I did to myself (even though police was at the scene!)
• everything I said about abuse is a lie (I have a 17-year old kid's statement supporting me)
• I am the one who is abusive (I am 115lb, he is 180lb)

Tomorrow is the first day of jury trial. My husband has an attorney (I don't), his parents came from another state for support (my parents live in Europe), and a few friends are coming (who never visited our house). Tomorrow I will be alone and eaten alive - forgive me my pessimism.

My daughter called grandparents today (in-laws), they said that they "can't talk until its all over". She cried, felt like was ripped off of something.

Pray for me, I need a lot of help.