That was a nice evening that turned into horrible night. Our high-school-er had a dance performance, she was brilliant on stage. Then we drove home and C parked at a curb half block away. He got out of the car and started walking toward the house with keys only in his hands. I opened car door for our youngest daughter, helped her out and started getting stuff that had to be taken in: my bag, a dance bag, a laundry basket full of dance costumes, and 2 bouquets of flowers. I put all of that on the ground next to the car and closed all doors.
While I was picking up all that stuff off the ground, juggling it, trying to get it all at once, I heard C yelling from half block away: "What is taking so long?"
Me: "It would be faster if you helped me."
Him: "You better notch it down or I will notch it up." I quietly picked everything up and walked into our house.
An hour later, when kids went to sleep. I told C I needed to talk to him. "I didn't like how you talked to me there. It was hurtful. You saw me carrying a lot of stuff but instead of helping you yelled at me."
Him: "I didn't. What did I say?"
Me: "You told me to shut up."
Him: "No I didn't. I told you to notch it down. You are making up stuff again. You are delusional as usual. It was not me, it was you who yelled me. You were yapping there, being disrespectful to me, I had to shut you up."
Me: "OK. I see you don't want to listen. I don't want to talk to you any more. I am going to bed."
Next thing I found myself blocked in the kitchen. He blocked the door and slowly moved toward me, towering over me, he is 6'2" and I am 5'4". Soon I was backed into a corner.
Me: "Let me go."
Him: "No, we will talk. I am tired of you constantly disrespecting me. You don't ever listen to me, you never do what I tell you to do. What is it?" He picked up a dirty dish that he used earlier. "I am asking you what is this? Why is it dirty?" He threw the dish at the wall above sink, it broke in countless pieces and one hit me in my face.
I was crying. He was standing very close to me, pointing his finger into my face. His face in such a rage that got me in horror, I did not see any humanity in it.
Him: "You disrespect me again and you will get it."
Me: "Let me go. If you hit me, I will scream for all neighbors to hear, and I will cal police."
Him: "Nobody will believe you. You are so delusional and narrow-minded. Everybody knows you are the most miserable person ever. My mother told me long ago that she hates you and she hates the way you talk to her and to me."
Me: "This is not true. I love your mother and she is always nice to me. I will call her tomorrow and talk about it."
Him: "Don't you dare to involve her in it. Like I said, you just want to make everybody miserable like you."
Next, I had to wrestle my way through, pushing him away and running up the stairs into the bedroom. Needless to say, I did not sleep all night. In the morning I was in the kitchen making breakfast when I heard: "What are doing? Get here." I went into the bedroom and found C naked on the bed. He repeated "Get here" while patting the bed next to him.
Me: "What? You want me to be affectionate after what happened last night?"
Him: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "All the awful things that you told me and made me cry."
Him: "You are insane. What is your problem? I am trying to be nice to you here and you treat me like a piece of crap."
I turned around and went back to the kitchen. He took shower, came downstairs, and, while walking by me, said: "With your f-ing attitude you are going to make everybody miserable today."
It is unbelievable, how many episodes like this I've gone through. Till this day, the most horrifying part was to see that face full of uncontrollable rage. Even now, almost 2 years after I left, every time when I think of C, I see that face, it overshadowed all other feelings and memories. It scares me to be anywhere close to him, almost like expecting that monster to come out again.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Back to life after abuse
It feels like I was somewhere in another universe for years. I am so sorry that I have been out of touch with all my supporters. A lot of things happened since I posted here last. Most important is that I am slowly coming back to life. I discover forgotten feelings and new wonders daily.
Mainly, I was out of touch because I took time to heal and reflect my inner self (read: 9 months of mental therapy). I will go into details later, in my future posts. For now, while I struggle daily, I also find happiness and peace. And, amazingly, often I spend more time feeling happy than worried and depresses.
The main lesson that I've learned so far: you will never be completely free of your abuser, in the sense that the legal battle never ends; we have to communicate about kids. and so forth. He will always find ways to subtly control you through what ever is available to him. The only thing that is under your control is how you react and respond.
Just a month ago my ex got in a rage in front of a mediator at the court house because I refused to go with his plan. Mediator had to get between us and told him that he was being inappropriate. All that time I smiled politely and kept insisting on fixed visitation schedule for kids, while ex wanted it flexible, meaning that I will have to agree to whenever he wants or doesn't want to see kids. Case is going to the judge because there was no agreement, but I look at it as my win. After all, he was not able to scare and manipulate me into another submission to his will.
Mainly, I was out of touch because I took time to heal and reflect my inner self (read: 9 months of mental therapy). I will go into details later, in my future posts. For now, while I struggle daily, I also find happiness and peace. And, amazingly, often I spend more time feeling happy than worried and depresses.
The main lesson that I've learned so far: you will never be completely free of your abuser, in the sense that the legal battle never ends; we have to communicate about kids. and so forth. He will always find ways to subtly control you through what ever is available to him. The only thing that is under your control is how you react and respond.
Just a month ago my ex got in a rage in front of a mediator at the court house because I refused to go with his plan. Mediator had to get between us and told him that he was being inappropriate. All that time I smiled politely and kept insisting on fixed visitation schedule for kids, while ex wanted it flexible, meaning that I will have to agree to whenever he wants or doesn't want to see kids. Case is going to the judge because there was no agreement, but I look at it as my win. After all, he was not able to scare and manipulate me into another submission to his will.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Testifying for domestic violence in jury court, day 1
When you are in jury court to testify for domestic violence, prepare to wait, a lot. It takes half day to select the jury, then everyone goes on break - lunch time. Then everyone comes back at about 1:30 pm and the show begins.
First there will be opening statements from prosecutor and defendant's attorney. Then they call for the first witness, who is the victim. Remember, the prosecutor is on your side, in my case it was a nice lady, she asked me questions step by step what happened during the assault. Then goes the defendant's attorney, and that is where you have to watch out. Try to answer as short as possible, if you can just say "yes" or "no". Remember, his job is to prove that you are lying. He will ask all kinds of unrelated questions or contradicting questions just to make you misspeak. He asked me a few times "what time did you call 911?" I did not call 911, neighbors did, but when he jumps from question to question like this it is very easy to answer "at 6:30" meaning that the neighbors called at that time, though for him it is enough to to prove that you are "inconsistent" with your answers.
In my case the attorney asked me what kind of table was behind me. I said "It was a bar"
-"What kind of bar? With alcohol drinks?"
- "More like a counter, or a raised bar with stools"
The thing is that at that time the stools were not there, I meant where the stools usually be, but for the attorney it was a proof that I lied.
He grilled me for over 2 hours, at one point the judge gave him a warning to stop asking me unrelated questions like "Don't you have a friend who works at an immigration office?" Prosecutor objected and judge gave the warning. In my case objections were flying every 30 seconds, prosecutor was watching it like a hawk. At some point I became very confused with questions that didn't make much sense to me and I was afraid that I'd misspeak again. Somehow I made it to the end.
The judge called for recess and prosecutor told me that I can not stay for my husband's testimony. She'd call me later to let me know when to come for testifying again, if needed.
So, I have no idea what is going on in the court. Doesn't it seem unfair that anything that happens in that court will have direct impact on my life but I am not allowed to be there?
First there will be opening statements from prosecutor and defendant's attorney. Then they call for the first witness, who is the victim. Remember, the prosecutor is on your side, in my case it was a nice lady, she asked me questions step by step what happened during the assault. Then goes the defendant's attorney, and that is where you have to watch out. Try to answer as short as possible, if you can just say "yes" or "no". Remember, his job is to prove that you are lying. He will ask all kinds of unrelated questions or contradicting questions just to make you misspeak. He asked me a few times "what time did you call 911?" I did not call 911, neighbors did, but when he jumps from question to question like this it is very easy to answer "at 6:30" meaning that the neighbors called at that time, though for him it is enough to to prove that you are "inconsistent" with your answers.
In my case the attorney asked me what kind of table was behind me. I said "It was a bar"
-"What kind of bar? With alcohol drinks?"
- "More like a counter, or a raised bar with stools"
The thing is that at that time the stools were not there, I meant where the stools usually be, but for the attorney it was a proof that I lied.
He grilled me for over 2 hours, at one point the judge gave him a warning to stop asking me unrelated questions like "Don't you have a friend who works at an immigration office?" Prosecutor objected and judge gave the warning. In my case objections were flying every 30 seconds, prosecutor was watching it like a hawk. At some point I became very confused with questions that didn't make much sense to me and I was afraid that I'd misspeak again. Somehow I made it to the end.
The judge called for recess and prosecutor told me that I can not stay for my husband's testimony. She'd call me later to let me know when to come for testifying again, if needed.
So, I have no idea what is going on in the court. Doesn't it seem unfair that anything that happens in that court will have direct impact on my life but I am not allowed to be there?
Monday, August 20, 2012
Testifying in criminal court for domestic violence
For a victim of domestic violence to testify in criminal court is like to live it all over again. I've tried so hard to forget, pretend that it was a bad dream, and threw away anything that reminded me of that life. Many times I wanted to refuse to testify, just not show up in court.
Then I thought that if I don't go it will mean that he (my still husband) wins. My absence will mean that all his claims are true. According to him:
My daughter called grandparents today (in-laws), they said that they "can't talk until its all over". She cried, felt like was ripped off of something.
Pray for me, I need a lot of help.
Then I thought that if I don't go it will mean that he (my still husband) wins. My absence will mean that all his claims are true. According to him:
- he never hit me, all injuries I did to myself (even though police was at the scene!)
- everything I said about abuse is a lie (I have a 17-year old kid's statement supporting me)
- I am the one who is abusive (I am 115lb, he is 180lb)
My daughter called grandparents today (in-laws), they said that they "can't talk until its all over". She cried, felt like was ripped off of something.
Pray for me, I need a lot of help.
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